What Does Being Empathic Mean to You?

22 Oct

I've been reflecting on empathy recently and what it really means to understand another person's experience.

Being empathic is something we often talk about, particularly when someone is going through a difficult time. But I wonder how often we stop to consider what it actually means to be empathic.

In psychology, empathy is generally understood as the ability to recognise and understand another person's emotional experience from their perspective.

But what does that look like in our everyday lives and relationships?

Understanding Through Our Own Experiences

I think it's quite natural for us to refer to our own experiences when someone shares something with us. We might find ourselves saying, "I know exactly how you feel", before sharing a similar experience of our own.

And sometimes that can be a great way of connecting. Sharing our experiences can help someone feel less alone and reassure them that others have faced similar challenges.

But I wonder what happens when we can't relate to someone's experience. What if their feelings, relationships or circumstances are completely different from anything we've known ourselves?

Can we still appreciate the significance of what they're going through?

For me, empathy involves trying to step into another person's world, to understand what something means to them and how it might feel from their perspective. Something that might seem relatively insignificant to one person could hold enormous emotional meaning for another.

Our relationships, upbringing, beliefs and lived experiences all influence how we see and experience the world. And I think recognising those differences is an important part of understanding one another.

The Relationship Between Empathy and Being Judgemental

I think there's an important distinction to make between having judgement and being judgemental.

We all make judgements. They're a necessary part of life, helping us assess situations, make decisions, recognise potential harm and establish boundaries. But being judgemental is something quite different.

It's when we make assumptions or form critical opinions about someone, often without taking the time to understand their circumstances. And I think this is where our ability to empathise can become limited.

I know I've been very judgemental in the past, and whilst I've worked hard to challenge this in myself, I recognise that I can still fall into judgemental thinking at times.

Sometimes these thoughts happen almost automatically, shaped by what we've learnt growing up and the messages we've absorbed throughout our lives. I've learnt to become more aware of these moments, to question where my reactions might be coming from and consider how my own beliefs and experiences could be influencing the way I see another person.

What might I be missing? What experiences might have shaped this person's perspective? Am I making assumptions without knowing the whole story?

It's something I continue to practise because being empathic isn't always easy, particularly when someone's choices, reactions or experiences are very different from our own.

And I think we can acknowledge when someone's behaviour is harmful or unacceptable whilst still trying to understand what might be happening for them.

For me, developing empathy involves becoming more aware of when our judgements are helping us navigate a situation and when a judgemental attitude might be preventing us from truly understanding another person.

Why Empathy Can Feel Harder in Personal Relationships

Something else I've reflected on is how empathy can sometimes feel more challenging with the people we know and care about the most.

Within a counselling relationship, there's a conscious intention to listen, understand and create space for another person's experience. In our personal relationships, things can feel a little more complicated.

We bring our own emotions, expectations, experiences and needs into those relationships. We might feel frustrated when someone repeatedly makes choices that seem to cause them distress. We may struggle to understand why they see a situation so differently from us, particularly when their perspective challenges something we strongly believe in.

And sometimes we may simply feel emotionally drained.

I think this is where self-awareness becomes particularly important. Being empathic doesn't mean we won't experience frustration or disagreement. We can recognise those feelings within ourselves whilst remaining open to understanding someone else's perspective.

It can also mean recognising when we need to take care of our own emotional wellbeing.

Empathy and Boundaries

I believe it's important to recognise that being empathic doesn't mean we have to agree with someone's choices or behaviour.

We can acknowledge that someone's feelings are real and meaningful to them whilst still having our own values and boundaries. Understanding why someone might behave in a particular way doesn't necessarily mean accepting behaviour that causes harm to ourselves or others.

And we don't have to continually put our own needs aside to demonstrate compassion.

For me, empathy involves finding that balance between understanding another person's experience and remaining aware of our own feelings and boundaries.

Can Empathy Be Learned?

I believe some people may naturally find empathy easier than others, perhaps because of their personality, temperament or the way they've learnt to relate to the world. But I also believe empathy is something we can nurture and develop, both in childhood and throughout our adult lives.

Children learn so much from watching the adults around them. When parents and caregivers show kindness, compassion and understanding towards others, they're also demonstrating what empathy looks like. And I think it's equally important to consider how we talk about other people in front of children.

If we make assumptions, stereotype people or express judgemental attitudes towards those whose lives are different from our own, what might we be teaching them? Equally, when we encourage children to consider how someone else might be feeling, question assumptions and recognise that everyone experiences the world differently, we're helping them develop empathy.

But what about those of us who grew up around judgemental attitudes or learnt to see the world through particular beliefs?

I find it encouraging that we're capable of learning and changing throughout our lives. Our brains have an amazing ability called neuroplasticity, which means they can adapt and change through learning and experience. As we practise new ways of thinking and responding, the neural connections involved can strengthen, whilst connections we use less frequently may weaken.

I find that fascinating because it means the ways we've learnt to think and respond aren't necessarily fixed. We can become more aware of our assumptions, challenge beliefs we've held for years and learn to look at situations from different perspectives.

We can practise listening without immediately offering our own story, advice or interpretation. We can ask questions, be curious and give someone the space to explain what something means to them. And perhaps most importantly, recognise that our own experiences are just one way of seeing the world.

In person-centred counselling, Carl Rogers emphasised the importance of understanding another person's world from their own perspective. This is something I value deeply, both in my work as a counsellor and in my personal life, and it's something I'm still learning and practising myself.

Sometimes we may never fully understand the depth of what another person is experiencing. Their feelings might be unfamiliar to us, their reactions unexpected or their circumstances completely outside anything we've known. But we can still approach them with curiosity, kindness and compassion.

Feeling heard, understood and accepted can mean an enormous amount to someone. We all want to feel that someone is really listening, that our feelings matter and that we can share our experiences without being judged.

And I wonder how much difference it could make if we offered a little more of that to each other.

A Final Reflection

I wonder how our relationships and interactions might change if we became a little more curious about the experiences of others. If we noticed our assumptions, challenged our judgemental thoughts and took the time to understand what life might feel like from another person's perspective.

I certainly don't think empathy is something we always get right. I see it as something we can continue learning about throughout our lives.