Counselling and Neurodivergence: Finding a Space Where You Don’t Have to Perform

Imagine spending much of your day thinking about how you're coming across to other people. Rehearsing conversations before they happen, trying to remember when to make eye contact, worrying that you've said the wrong thing or pushing through situations that leave you feeling completely overwhelmed.

For some neurodivergent people, this can be part of everyday life.

Things that other people may barely notice can require considerable effort, and that effort isn't always visible to those around them.

Over time, constantly adapting to fit in with other people's expectations can become exhausting, particularly when there's little opportunity to relax and simply be yourself.

Understanding Masking

Masking is often discussed in relation to autism and ADHD. It involves consciously or unconsciously changing or suppressing aspects of ourselves to fit in socially, avoid negative reactions or meet the expectations of others.

For some people, this might mean forcing eye contact, copying social behaviours, suppressing stimming or mentally rehearsing conversations. Others may hide sensory discomfort, confusion or emotional overwhelm because previous experiences have taught them that expressing these things can lead to criticism or misunderstanding.

Masking can become so familiar that someone may not realise just how much effort they're putting into it.

And whilst it can sometimes help people navigate social situations, maintaining that level of awareness and self-monitoring can come at an emotional cost.

The Impact of Feeling Different

Growing up feeling different from those around you can influence how you see yourself.

Perhaps you struggled with things that seemed to come naturally to other people. You might have been described as too sensitive, too emotional, distracted, difficult or told that you simply weren't trying hard enough.

For some, these experiences continue into adulthood, affecting confidence, relationships and self-esteem.

Repeatedly receiving the message that the way you naturally think, feel or respond is somehow wrong can lead to self-doubt and a pressure to constantly change or hide parts of yourself.

It's also worth recognising the impact of environments that don't accommodate different needs. Busy workplaces, unpredictable routines, overwhelming sensory environments or social expectations can create difficulties that others may not recognise.

Sometimes the challenge lies as much in the expectations and environments around someone as it does in the difficulties they're experiencing.

When Masking Becomes Exhausting

Imagine getting through an entire day at work or in social situations, appearing perfectly fine to everyone around you, only to arrive home feeling completely drained.

Perhaps you need silence, time alone or an opportunity to release the emotions you've been holding in throughout the day.

For some people, this can become a familiar pattern.

They may appear to manage well in public, while those closest to them see just how much they've been struggling.

Over time, prolonged stress and the effort involved in continually adapting can contribute to exhaustion and burnout.

It's important to recognise that being able to do something doesn't necessarily mean it feels manageable or comes without a cost.

Counselling That Works With Your Needs

One of the things I value in my counselling practice is recognising that everyone communicates and processes their experiences differently.

Traditional expectations around conversation don't necessarily feel comfortable or natural for everyone.

You may find eye contact uncomfortable, need more time to process a question or prefer to have something to occupy your hands whilst talking. Perhaps you sometimes lose your train of thought, move between subjects or find it difficult to explain exactly what you're feeling.

These are things we can discuss and accommodate within our sessions where possible.

There is no expectation that you should maintain eye contact, communicate in a particular way or arrive knowing exactly what you want to talk about.

If something about the way we're working doesn't feel comfortable or helpful, I would want you to feel able to tell me.

Counselling is a collaborative relationship, and your needs and preferences matter.

Exploring Your Identity

For some neurodivergent adults, receiving a diagnosis or beginning to recognise neurodivergent characteristics can bring a mixture of emotions.

There may be relief in finally having an explanation for experiences that previously felt confusing. But there can also be sadness, frustration or grief when looking back on situations where greater understanding or support might have made a difference.

Others may begin questioning how much of their identity has been shaped by years of adapting to other people's expectations.

Perhaps you've become accustomed to agreeing with others to avoid conflict, hiding your discomfort or pushing yourself to meet expectations that leave you exhausted.

Counselling can offer an opportunity to explore these experiences and what they mean to you.

This might involve developing a greater understanding of your needs, recognising patterns that have developed over time or considering how you want to approach relationships and expectations moving forward.

There isn't a particular outcome you need to reach or a certain way you should feel about being neurodivergent.

Every Experience Is Different

Neurodivergence is a broad term, and there can be significant differences between individuals, including people with the same diagnosis.

Some people may experience considerable sensory sensitivities, whilst others may find organisation, emotional regulation, communication or changes in routine particularly challenging. Many people experience a combination of strengths and difficulties that are unique to them.

You may have a formal diagnosis, be waiting for an assessment or be beginning to explore whether neurodivergence might help explain some of your experiences.

You don't need a diagnosis to talk about the things you're finding difficult or to access counselling.

As a person-centred counsellor, my focus is on understanding your individual experiences and what feels important to you. I also work integratively, drawing on other therapeutic approaches where they may be helpful and appropriate.

Counselling isn't about trying to change who you are. It can provide space to explore your feelings, relationships, identity and the challenges you may be experiencing, whilst developing a greater understanding of yourself.

Making Counselling Accessible

I recognise that reaching out for counselling can feel daunting, particularly if you've experienced misunderstanding or felt uncomfortable in previous conversations with professionals.

That's why I offer a free 30-minute initial consultation, giving you an opportunity to ask questions, explain any preferences or adjustments you might need and get a sense of how I work.

We can discuss things such as communication preferences, processing time and whether online or in-person sessions might feel more comfortable for you.

You don't need to prepare a perfectly organised explanation of why you're seeking counselling. We can begin wherever feels appropriate for you.

Thinking About Counselling?

Whether you're neurodivergent, questioning whether you might be, or simply struggling with some of the experiences described here, you're welcome to get in touch.

I offer individual counselling for adults, online throughout the UK and in person in Thringstone, Leicestershire.

If you'd like to find out more, you're welcome to contact me to arrange a free initial consultation and see whether working together feels right for you.